By curtisrx | Published:
February 15, 2011
In Brooklyn, a twenty-two year old man working the graveyard shift at a tortilla factory died after accidentally falling into an industrial dough mixing machine. As he slipped over the side, he was instantly sucked under and pinned downed by the large mixing blade. The blade itself is blunt, but the motor that propels it could easily break every bone in the human body if a person were to become lodged in it. Other employees tried to rescue the man, but it was already too late. The tortilla factory in question does not have any history of employee complaints or work place accident and police could find no evidence of foul play or criminal intent.
By curtisrx | Published:
February 15, 2011
In Central California, a thirty-five year old man was was stabbed to death by a rooster while attending an illegal cockfight last month. At this particular fight, the roosters had been equipped with razor sharp knives attached to their limbs, ensuring that there would only one bird left standing at the end. Unfortunately, one of the birds turned on the crowd and managed to stab one of the spectators in his calf. The victim, bloodied and limping, fled the scene with all the other attendees just as the police arrived on the scene for a routine raid. The man bled out within two hours and was pronounced dead at the local hospital. The rooster has been taken into custody and will plead self defense.
By curtisrx | Published:
October 11, 2010
In Florida, a retired man went bargain hunting at a local garage sale when he stumbled upon a box of fake bones sitting amongst a pile of miscellaneous holiday decorations. He dropped a measly sum of $8 on the bones and took them home to decorate his house for Halloween, but after closer inspection, the man quickly came to the conclusion that they were in fact a real human skeleton. He notified the county sheriff and the bones were sent off to the medical examiner where they were verified as real and believed to be once used as a learning tool in the medical field or a classroom based off a serial number found etched into it. The skeleton is worth over $3000 dollars, but since it’s illegal to own a human skeleton, it had to be surrendered to the authorities. An investigation has been launched to find out if any local hospitals or universities have reported a missing skeleton.
By curtisrx | Published:
August 25, 2010
In Mexico, two would-be criminals hijacked a semi-truck by gunpoint only to learn the hard way that crime really doesn’t pay. Truck hijacking has become the latest criminal trend in Mexico, with hijackers running off scot-free with truckloads of expensive televisions, computers, & household appliances to resell on the black market. Unfortunately for these two amateurs, they soon discovered that their payload wasn’t a shipment of easy money, but instead, 17 tons of salted peanuts bound for Mexico City. Police pulled the semi-truck over after it was seen listing to one side and the original driver, who had been forced to lie on the floor by gunpoint, was able to call the police during the routine traffic stop and alert them of his kidnapping. The criminals were arrested and will have plenty of time in jail to thoroughly think out their next ingenious heist.
By curtisrx | Published:
August 24, 2010
In Africa, a 35-year-old man will not pass go and will not collect $200 because he is going straight to jail for casting a spell on his neighbor. The man got into an argument with his next door neighbor, but instead of throwing punches, he decided to cast a spell on his opponent’s field to block rainfall, which would eventually lead to the crops shriveling up and dying. Witchcraft is no laughing matter in Africa, where the practice of it is punishable by a sentence of up to five years in prison. Prison may seem harsh to some, but it’s better than the alternative fate which has befallen some practitioners of the dark arts before the law could intervene, death at the hands of an angry mob. Authorities said that the man was given the stiff sentence to allow the community to enjoy peace in his absence and for his own safety against the roving mobs.
By curtisrx | Published:
August 17, 2010
In Canada, a 67-year-old man was camping deep in the Canadian north when he was confronted by a half-ton polar bear. The man, who was sleeping soundly in his tent at the time, said that the bear appeared out of nowhere and began to nudge the tent with its snout. Still wrapped in his sleeping bag, he awoke abruptly and his first reaction was to reach down for his trusty rifle, but the polar bear was already one step ahead of him and standing on the gun with its full weight. Weaponless and unprotected, the man did the only thing he could think of to defend himself, he yelled at the bear and punched it as hard as he could in its big, wet nose. The bear, who will live to see another day, took off running and the man, without a scratch on him, enjoyed the remainder of his camping trip, having defeated the beast with his own bare hands.
By curtisrx | Published:
August 15, 2010
In France, police raided a downtown apartment in search of a suspect in the mysterious disappearance of a famous 71-year-old french chef and discovered his body stuffed into a freezer, where it had been hidden for nearly two years by his girlfriend. Police received a tip from the girlfriend’s daughter after her mother had confided in her that something unfortunate did indeed happen to the chef, but didn’t give any specifics. When the authorities arrived on scene, the girlfriend began to sob uncontrollably and confessed her guilt by telling them “I think you’ll find what you’re looking for”. During an argument between the couple, the girlfriend spiraled into fit of rage and beat her boyfriend to death. She told authorities that once she regained her cool, she dragged the body in the bathroom for a few days until she moved it into the freezer where she hid her secret for two years.
By curtisrx | Published:
August 11, 2010
In New York, Police were left with a bad taste in their mouth when they pulled over a 51-year-old man for running a stop sign and discovered a cat marinating in the trunk of his car. The man, with a taste for filet-o-feline, bathed the 4-year-old cat in olive oil and crushed peppers and then placed him in the trunk of his car, until it was ready for the flame kiss of the grill. The police heard the faint meowing of the succulent cat coming from the closed trunk and that’s when they unknowingly thwarted the man’s culinary plans. After he was taken into custody, the man told police that he had planned to cook the cat as a punishment for being ill-tempered and always causing problems. The cat was taken off the menu, cleaned up, and put up for adoption.
By curtisrx | Published:
August 10, 2010
In Brazil, an inexperienced cat burglar, who broke into a home in search of loot, was killed during his escape when the window he was crawling through slammed down and trapped him. The man entered the home under the cloak of darkness, but quickly discovered that it was abandoned and empty. After giving up his search for valuable objects, the burglar began to climb back out the same window he initially wedged open to gain entrance into the house, but it slid loose and pinned him down. The owner of the house eventually arrived to drop off a few boxes of items to store, when he discovered the body hanging halfway out of the window frame. Authorities found fingernail scratches and other strange marks on the frame surrounding the body, providing evidence that the man struggled to free himself from the death grip before asphyxiating and hanging lifeless for nearly four days.
In Turkey, a wedding turned into a senseless tragedy when a groom accidentally killed his father and two aunts with celebratory gun fire. As is tradition in Turkey for large celebrations, the groom fired an automatic weapon into the air, killing the three family members and then began to swing the gun around after he lost control of it, wounding eight other relatives in the process. Instead of cutting the cake, the groom was arrested and will spend his honeymoon in custody. Turkey has tried in the past to implement harsher punishment for the firing of weapons into the air, but even the fear of death hasn’t stopped partygoers from indulging in the illogical tradition.
In South Carolina, a 30-year-old woman took her car into a local mechanic for a routine repair job, but noticed the car behaving strangely when she picked it back up from the shop that evening. After the car began to randomly shut off during driving, she filed a complaint with the police for negligent repair work. Another mechanic was brought in to check the automobile for evidence to back up the woman’s claims, but instead of shoddy repair work, he found an uneaten cheeseburger and a single pickle floating in the gas tank. Both the woman and mechanic haven’t the slightest clue in how the tasty meal worked its way into the gas tank and the damage it caused resulted in a $1000 bill.
In New York, authorities have finally caught a break in a mysterious and fatal shooting case that has baffled them for months. Through a key witness’s description they have tracked down the suspected shooter, but before they can throw the book at him, they have to solve one final mystery. The witness describe the shooter with perfect clarity, unfortunately the suspect is one of two identical twin brothers and neither of them is willing to rat the other out. To further the confusion, both brothers were taken into custody and questioned, but responded with the same answers. The twins even appeared in court wearing identical clothing and matching goatees. Unable to prove which brother was the actual shooter, without a shadow of a doubt, both were tested for gun powder residue on their hands. The test came back positive for both brothers, even though there was only a single shooter at the scene. A court date is pending and witness questioning still continues in this strange case.
In Mexico, a baby born prematurely at a local hospital was declared dead immediately after her birth and the grief stricken family decided to put together a wake to mourn her passing. About halfway through the service, one of the mourners heard strange noises coming from the child’s closed coffin. The frightened man opened the coffin only to discover the baby still alive inside and crying up a storm. A parent’s worst nightmare quickly turned into a miracle and the baby was rushed to the hospital where she is currently in stable condition. The doctor who made the botched examination is currently under investigation, but stands by his initial diagnosis.
In Florida, a man was attacked by a buffalo while he slept quietly in his favorite recliner, but this particular buffalo had been decapitated and deceased for quite some time. As the man slept, a stuffed and mounted buffalo head on the wall above him broke free from its mounting and crashed down onto his lap, pinning him to the arm chair. The man’s snores quickly turned into screams as he awoke after the impact to discover that he couldn’t move his body. Eventually he was able to free his hand enough to dial 911 on his cellphone and yell out for help. Once authorities arrived on the scene, the man was rushed to the hospital and the buffalo’s spirit could finally move on knowing that he got his revenge from beyond the grave.
In England, a cleaning service was tidying up an apartment after the previous owner was evicted and stumbled upon a withered and fully clothed corpse hiding under a sofa. After an investigation, police discovered that the body had been hidden in the apartment for nearly 10 years before its discovery. The victim’s roommate, who suffered from severe learning disabilities, came home one night and found the victim dead on the floor after a night of hard drinking. Worried that he would be evicted from his apartment because of a strict no lodgers policy, the man decided to hide the body in his sofa. Police were called to the residence multiples times to investigate complaints of a strange odor emanating from the apartment, but never discovered the body because of the piles of garbage the man had been hoarding in every corner. The man continued with his day to day routine unfazed by the corpse slowly moldering in the depths of his sofa for a decade, until he was finally evicted.
